Creating Memories

Establishing rituals for remembrance

When a baby dies, most people’s first reaction is to ask ‘Why?’ It seems so pointless. Just as life has begun, it is ended. Those who are religious may wonder why the child was given and then taken away so quickly. The mother may ask herself, ‘Why did this happen to us, did we do something wrong?’ The mother may also ask herself if she did the right things during the pregnancy or if she could have somehow prevented the death. The death of a baby brings about a confusing and painful time for many people and it can be difficult to decide what should be done when all the family members are grieving in their different ways. Often the most painful part is that they were not given the chance to really know the baby, that there are few memories to cling to during their grief.

Naming the child

Sometimes it can be easier to speak about the death if the child has been given a name. This also helps in recognising that although life may have been short, it was a life nonetheless and should be acknowledged as such. For those who are religious, many religions will allow for a member of their clergy to baptise or christen the child. For those who are not particularly religious, your funeral director can assist with finding a civil celebrant who will be able to perform a naming ceremony. Some funeral directors will be able topresent you with a naming certificate. Alternatively, you may like to organise a family gathering to informally name the baby and pay tribute to your baby’s life.

The importance of a funeral

A funeral of the baby can be of great assistance in helping the family through the grief process. The funeral service provides a chance for the family to share their pain and support each other in their grief. It also provides recognition of the baby’s life, just as naming does. Some hospitals may suggest that they arrange an unattended burial. Its best not make any decisions of this kind straightaway but to take a moment and think about your decisions. You will have a couple of days to think about any ceremonies you would like for the baby. It is better to take your time to decide what you really want.

Elements of a baby’s funeral

What should be included in a funeral service for a baby?

Once again, this is the parents’ decision. Many options are possible.

• The funeral can be held in a funeral home, at a church, the gravesite or even a family member’s home. It should be wherever you feel most comfortable.
• Photographs of the baby may be of comfort in years to come to help families in remembering.
• The option of burial or cremation is still open and the ashes can be distributed in various ways, whichever feels the most appropriate.
• A memorial book with signatures of those who attended the funeral and perhaps photographs of attendees.
• Some family members might like to hold the baby in their arms. A funeral director can arrange a viewing to allow this to take place.

For many parents and families, spending time with the baby and creating as many memories as possible honours the baby’s life and existence. Creating memories and then sharing them over time is a real key to healing for many parents who have experienced the death of their baby. These special times, ceremonies and rituals can provide much comfort. Some other ways of creating memories include:

• Putting together a baby album that includes photographs, ultrasounds, a lock of hair, an identity bracelet, footprints and handprints, records of weight, include anything that reminds you of your pregnancy and the time spent with your baby.
• Write a letter, song or poem to or about the baby.
• Prepare a family tree including the baby.
• Keep a journal recording thoughts and feelings about the baby.
• Hold a memorial service or blessing on anniversaries or birthdays.
• Plant a tree of remembrance, perhaps one that flowers around the anniversary of your baby’s birth.
• Design a memorial to place on the baby’s grave or in another special place.
• Make a cross-stitch birth sampler, a photo frame, a memory box, a ceramic tile.
• Adopt a star – see www.starregistry.com.au
• Give gifts to other children during the year to honour your baby.

Anniversaries can be a difficult time and throughout the years these particular times will be painful. There are a number of ways to acknowledge these special times.

You can:

• Make a donation to a favourite charity in your baby’s name.
• Donate flowers to a hospital, church or temple.
• Hold a memorial service.
• Light a candle.

Always do whatever feels right to you and your partner to help remember your baby. Finding ways to remember your baby is important for your grieving process and to remind yourself that you are a parent who has had a child.

Virtual Memorial Site

You might also like to have a look at the Necropolis new virtual memorial site www.creatinglivingmemories.com.  It's free.

In creating this site it is acknowledging the power of IT/technology to enable people to create a memorial (build a collection of photos & memories etc) that can be accessed

• 24 hours a day from anywhere in the world

• without going to the cemetery

• even if the original photos are lost or destroyed in future years (as in fires etc)

With These Words - Cherished Cherubs

Cherished Cherubs is a business run by a Civil Celebrant called JacquelineFletcher who conducts Memorial Ceremonies specifically for babies that have passed away too early.

These include Miscarriages, Premature births, Stillbirths and Unwell babies.

Ceremonies can be performed any time afterdeath whether it be days, weeks, months or years after.

Please visit Jacqueline's website www.cherishedcherubs.com or ph:0412 484242 for more information.

This is a very worthwhile service.